


Little you

by lwtmehome



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, i think, relatively happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-13
Updated: 2017-01-13
Packaged: 2018-09-17 06:06:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9308675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lwtmehome/pseuds/lwtmehome
Summary: Liam has no chance to say that it’s not the best idea, before someone’s calling Zayn’s name and ripping them apart, Zayn hanging up with a promise to show up in an hour.It takes at least ten minutes for Liam to process the phone call. Then it takes him another five minutes to understand that Zayn is actually coming over, and that he actually needs to change his clothes and maybe even tidy up a little bit.or: Liam is a hung up little person, in love with another little person, Zayn.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Something I had been holding back as a draft for a long time because I couldn't finish it, but then Liam wished Zayn a happy birthday and I don't know. Here we are. 
> 
> I don't own any of the characters or anything. Story is mine, however, so don't copy or spread it, thank you.

It’s one of those nights.

Liam is laying down on his couch, staring up at the ceiling and pretty much hating his life. It’s at times like these he wishes they’d just be back on the road again so he wouldn’t have to spend this much time alone in his head. 

It’s not intentional, he swears. He’s been trying to keep busy during the break, trying to keep going to places and see people, and Simon had really just done a favor for him by asserting Cheryl into his life, not that Liam would ever tell that to Simon, he’s got more dignity than that. 

But nights like these are bound to come around every now and then. Watson is lying next to him on the floor and the clock is ticking away somewhere in the apartment. 

The night begun the same way it always does: Liam tried to call all of his friends, asking around if someone would be up for pints but somehow they all manage to be busy. His parents just visited him and Cheryl isn’t an option, having flown away to some sort of a fashion show or whatever. Harry is in Los Angeles with Louis, which Liam only knows because he checked his Twitter an hour ago. And God knows where Niall is.

Not that Liam could exactly call him either. 

So, he’s alone. 

Liam knows how to spend time alone, he even enjoys it from time to time. But ever since last March, it hasn’t been the same. Being alone, that is.

Because really, he was never _alone._

The five of them, they spent 9 months at a time on the road and of course they fought at times and needed couple of hours alone, but even then they’d be together in the bus or the hotel room. 

And while being on break, well, Liam doesn’t remember a day he didn’t call one of the lads.

But after last March, after Zayn left- yeah, after that, it all changed somehow. Life got a lot harder for all of them. Everyone seemed to just need a minute, or two, and maybe for the others it was for the best, but Liam wasn’t the same.

Being alone for Harry and Louis meant being alone together, strengthening their relationship, knowing what was about to come. Niall seemed to be _this_ close to giving up and Liam really didn’t want to bother him. And it wasn’t their company he was craving for, anyways.

Liam rolls on to his stomach, fishing his phone out of his back pocket. He keeps turning it in his hands, wondering if he’s allowed to miss Zayn.

The thing is, back when Zayn dropped the bomb, back when they were all flabbergasted and back stabbed: Liam wasn’t.

How could have he been? _Of course_ he _knew_. Him and Zayn had been dating for years, it was hardly even a possibility for Zayn to keep his mouth shut, so yes, of course Liam knew about his intentions. 

Zayn never said it out loud, but he didn’t really have to. Liam knew he wasn’t feeling it anymore, that he wasn’t happy with the management or anything, really. 

So, he took the yelling and everything from the other lads, because on some level he felt he was at fault. Granted, he had been in between a rock and a hard place, but he had let down three of his greatest friends. He felt awful, but at least he had Zayn.

Until he didn’t anymore. 

Liam sighs, letting go of his iPhone, letting it drop on the cushion. It’s not like he could call him or anything, that’d be a bad idea on so many levels. 

Trying to live their lives normally after Zayn leaving had been a silly dream. The media wouldn’t let it go, still hadn’t properly even after Zayn’s new album, and what made it worse for Liam was the fact that the other lads were unconsciously blaming him. They never accused him directly after the first big fight, but Liam felt it. Whenever they were out in the bar or whenever someone brought it up in an interview. 

And Liam couldn’t stand up for Zayn. 

The cheesiest of all things happened: they grew apart.

Zayn moved to LA and Liam couldn’t be seen anywhere near the city, naturally. Liam likes to think they tried, like really tried, but sometimes just before he falls asleep a nagging thought creeps into his mind, whispering something along the lines of ’you gave up, he gave up on you too’. 

And then he’d wake up in the morning, pretending he didn’t remember that.

Things got easier after their break up with the others though. They finally seemed to let go of the grudge, accepting Liam again, and yeah it hurt. But those boys had always been there for him, and it’s not really like he could blame them for being mad. 

But then there’s these nights. 

Liam knows Zayn made his choice almost a year ago. He knows there’s been Gigi and he’s also pretty sure Zayn doesn’t miss him the same way he misses Zayn.

He knows Zayn gets homesick easily, and therefore has probably missed Liam’s place quite a lot, but at the same time, he must’ve made a new home for himself in LA. 

His phone vibrates signaling an arriving message. 

It’s from Harry. 

_Landed safely to LA. Louis was here to pick me up at the airport, too. How are you?_

Harry barely texts him now that they’re on the break, but it’s mainly because he’s been busy with shooting the movie he’s starring in. And Liam’s been busy too, signing with Columbia Records and all that. 

_Good good. just watchin some telly and chillin with watson. say hi to Lou from me._

Harry only sends back a couple of xs but Liam’s too busy feeling jealous to register them. He sighs again, swiping to left and then right on his phone, without really doing anything. 

Liam’s not unhappy, he’s not. He just.. misses his old life. 

Misses the time when he wasn’t alone even when he was namely alone, because all he really had to do was pick up his phone and give Zayn a call, and the other would drop his spray cans while still on phone with Liam. 

And maybe Liam misses Zayn more than the old times. He’d give quite a lot to get Zayn and the other lads back the way they used to be, standing as a united front against Modest and Simon, but that being impossible, he’d easily settle for just getting Zayn back. 

It’s not his fault that he misses Zayn. _That_ is not Liam’s fault, even if every goddamn other thing gone wrong during the past year would be, this isn’t. 

He would know. He’s tried to stop it.

The thoughts weasel into his mind through familiar scents, something a little spicy or maybe a cologne that reminds him of Zayn and sometimes they just push their way in through the photos on Twitter. It takes only a second, no more no less, for Liam to feel Zayn’s lips ghosting over his neck again, the older one’s hands holding on to his arms as he himself grabs Zayn’s waist.

It never gets easier.

The memories weigh like Liam imagines the sky would weigh if it were to fall onto his shoulders, and as if that isn’t enough, they also suffocate him, slowly but surely. He’s tried to build a wall between those memories and himself, but it’s not possible. Zayn is everywhere. 

Not just figuratively but very much literally, because people seem to think him and Zayn are just grand, despite everything. 

And gosh, Liam misses Zayn’s big brown eyes, the eyelashes framing those eyes. He misses Zayn’s lips and the way he molds in to Liam’s body when they hug; his voice that gets through to Liam when he’s upset, his everything. 

If Liam is wiping away his tears, no one needs to know, really. 

It’s a split second decision when he picks out Zayn’s number, now saved under the name of ’Malik’ rather than ’baby’. 

He gnaws on his bottom lip as the first ring reaches his ear, already regretting calling Zayn. He has time for several more regretful thoughts before the ringing abruptly stops and changes into shorter ones, _beep beep beep._

For a second Liam does nothing, just lets the phone rest against his ear, too shocked to really do anything more. It feels like cold water poured down his neck.

”Right, what were you thinking,” Liam laughs dryly at himself, finally pulling the phone away from his ear.

He thinks about getting up and maybe heading to bed, call it an early night, but he doesn’t have the chance to set his foot on the ground, when his phone is ringing.

Liam swears his heart misses a beat. 

It’s surprisingly easy to tap the green icon and lift the phone back to his ear. Watson makes a restless noise from the floor, picking up his head.

There’s rustling on the other side of the line and door shutting. Liam thinks he can hear music, but he can’t tell for sure, still too concentrated on getting his lungs to work properly.

”Liam? You there?” 

And oh _god._

That’s Zayn’s voice. And it’s a little bit raspy in the best kind of way, like he’d just been smoking and he sounds a little bit uncertain, which is the thought that kicks Liam into move. 

”Yeah, yes. It’s me,” Liam has to clear his throat to get his voice working, but if Zayn notices, he doesn’t say anything.

”Yeah, I figured it’s you. With, you know, the name and all,” there’s a hint of amusement in Zayn’s voice, and it makes Liam want to cry. 

Talk about ironic.

”Right,” an awkward, very Liam-like laugh follows, and then silence.

It’s not that Liam hasn’t pictured this phone call in his head a dozen times, because he has, but he’s never gotten this far. Zayn has never picked up and when he has, he’s told Liam to stop calling him.

Zayn’s not doing that.

”You called?” 

Right. Liam had called Zayn first. 

”Yeah. I, uh, I had some time,” Liam scratches his neck and Watson is for sure giving him an unimpressed look, but Liam refuses to acknowledge it. 

”And?” okay, yeah, there’s definitely amusement in Zayn’s voice now.

”And,” Liam drawls, ”I thought I’d call. ’Cause, you know, it’s been a while.” Liam shrugs to no one in particular. 

Watson is still staring at him.

”Ten months, I think,” Zayn says after just a moment, and Liam thinks he must be out for a smoke. 

”Yeah. How are you?” the question seems a little stupid the situation given, but that’s what Liam really wants to hear. 

”I’m alright. Saw me mum a coupla weeks ago. She asked me about you lads.”

Zayn’s always been honest, something Liam envies more than he’d like to admit. 

”Oh? What did you say?” Liam’s now fiddling with the hem of his shirt, leaning back against the couch. 

”Told her I haven’t heard from any of the three since I left, and that I hadn’t heard from you since, you know,” there’s something odd in Zayn’s tone, but Liam can’t place it. 

He knows Zayn isn’t mad, not like Liam had thought he’d be, but he’s not entirely happy either. 

”Yeah. How is she, by the way?” Liam wants to ask so many questions: he wants to ask about Zayn’s family and all that, but right now this is playing time.

”She’s good. They bought a puppy, can ya believe?” Zayn cackles and Liam can feel his own lips turning up again.

Right. Zayn must be happy. He’s got everything he’s wanted and even more. He’s got his life together and Liam should just be happy, because Zayn’s happiness is what matters in the scheme of everything, really.

”This isn’t why you called me though,” Zayn seems to be pondering something before he continues, ”you alone?” 

Liam thinks about lying, but in the end it really doesn’t matter what he says. 

”Yeah with Watson. Just having a night in,” Liam admits then, unconsciously holding a breath while maybe thinking about where this might end, what might Zayn want to know.

Zayn doesn’t say anything, however. There’s some voices in the background and Liam’s sure now that Zayn’s at a party, and for some stupid reason he feels special; Zayn had taken the time to call him. Or it might be just that Zayn needed a smoke and saw that Liam had called.

”I’m in London.”

The words punch the air out of Liam’s lungs again. He knows he looks ridiculous blinking his eyes, trying to hold onto something a little bit more steady than his beating chest, but Zayn is here. 

In London.

”You’re not,” Liam gasps, embarrassingly. 

”I am though,” the teasing tone is back in his friend’s voice, but maybe, just maybe Zayn sounds a little bit breathy too.

”I,” Liam has to gulp down any unconsidered thoughts, ”you’re here. Right. Visiting your family?” 

”Not really, I saw them not too long ago. Just felt like seeing London and there was this party I got an invite to, so,” Zayn speaks relatively hastily for being Zayn, but Liam’s really just trying to think of a way to ask if they could meet up.

There’s another pause where Liam can’t think of anything to say, where he’s just too caught up in the images running through his mind, the ones where he gets to see Zayn again, the ones where he usually ends up being heart broken all over again, but where he also gets to feel happy again, even if it’s for the briefest of moments.

”Uh, hey. This party is actually pretty lame and it’d be kinda cool to see you. You up for it?” Zayn is definitely being insecure right now, Liam can tell even if he can’t see Zayn’s face.

Zayn would never use a word like ’lame’ if he wasn’t nervous, and he would never speak as fast as he is speaking now, if his heart wasn’t beating in an uncomfortable way in his chest.

”Yeah, sure. Where?” 

”Your place.” 

Liam has no chance to say that it’s not the best idea, before someone’s calling Zayn’s name and ripping them apart, Zayn hanging up with a promise to show up in an hour. 

It takes at least ten minutes for Liam to process the phone call. Then it takes him another five minutes to understand that Zayn is actually coming over, and that he actually needs to change his clothes and maybe even tidy up a little bit. 

It’s not more than an hour and thirteen minutes later that there’s a knock on Liam’s front door. The second one of the night, the first one almost causing Liam to have a heart attack and ending up with the delivery guy asking if he’s alright, because he looked a little pale. 

But this time when Liam approaches the door, he calms himself down. 

He closes his eyes for a beat before grasping the handle and pulling the door open. 

Brown eyes, styled hair. Black skinny jeans, the usual leather jacket and a sweater with wide stripes. The one Liam had bought ages ago.

”Hey,” it’s really just a squeak from Liam, a sad one. 

Zayn is scratching his neck, a hesitant look in his eyes that only now catches Liam’s attention.

”You know what, this was a bad idea. I, I should go, yeah,” Zayn’s already stepping back, the painfully familiar ’running scared’ look in his eyes.

Without a second thought Liam grabs his arm and pulls Zayn into a hug. 

It would be a terrible cliche to say that time stops as soon as their bodies collide, but even still that’s exactly how Liam feels. The air in his lungs moves normally again and it’s not a random cologne on a passer-by that reminds him of Zayn: it’s Zayn in his arms.

”Don’t be an impolite prick, just come in,” Liam speaks in to Zayn’s shoulder, kicking the door shut. 

They separate just early enough not to make it too awkward, even though it’s awkward no matter what. Zayn tip toes out of his shoes and without a warning gets a Great Dane in his arms. 

”Watson,” the name is accompanied with an ’oof’ sound, Zayn’s laugh and some loud whining sounds from the dog. 

Liam knows he’s probably smiling like a proud father at the moment, but he doesn’t think he can help it. Seeing Zayn, seeing Zayn in his apartment, _their_ apartment is rather overwhelming. He coughs a little and pushes past the two in to the kitchen to make tea for them.

”You still drink green tea?” he asks from over his shoulder as Zayn makes his way in to the kitchen with Watson in tow. 

”Yeah.”

The chair makes a scraping noise when Zayn pulls it from underneath the island and hops on to it. Liam knows he has to do exactly that, hop, because he’s a tad too short for just climbing up. And because he’s Zayn. 

As Liam prepares the tea, he can hear Zayn sweet talking to Watson, cooing at the dog and talking about missing him. He sort of wishes he was the dog. 

After couple of minutes he settles two mugs on the island and sits down across Zayn, giving the older a small smile. 

”With two sugars,” he informs as Zayn lifts the mug to his lips, to take a wiff of the soothing smell. 

”Thanks.”

Zayn’s smile doesn’t reach his eyes, his nose doesn’t scrunch up in a cute way, his eyes don’t crinkle the way they should. But he’s beautiful nonetheless. He looks healthy and just the way Liam had remembered him during all these months. 

The only difference between the Zayn in his head and this Zayn was that this one was breathing, living, feeling. He’s real.

”I know I’m putting you in an uncomfortable position by asking, but how are the lads?” Zayn doesn’t meet Liam’s eyes, just keeps his gaze locked on the tea mug. 

Liam wants to comfort Zayn: tell the other that he shouldn’t worry, the others would come around, but Liam’s not sure at all. By leaving, Zayn gave them a lot of wounds and if Liam were to bring him up in a conversation, it would probably result in those wounds ripped open.

”They are alright. Not the same, but,” Liam shrugs a little helplessly, not sure what to say. 

Zayn nods, a dry smile grazing his lips. 

”I know. Are they mad at you? They aren’t right? They shouldn’t be, it’s not like you could’ve stopped me or anything,” Zayn’s rambling is a rare occurrence, something even Liam got to witness only every so often. 

”It’s fine, it’s fine,” Liam soothes him, ”But, I am curious. Why are you here, all of a sudden?” Liam takes a sip from his slowly cooling tea, just to keep his mouth busy with something so that he doesn’t blurt out any unconsidered words.

Zayn laughs silently, shrugs.

”Something pulled me here. LA is nice, sure, but it’s missing something pretty essential,” Zayn’s voice is quiet, regretful.

If Liam didn’t know better he’d say Zayn actually was regretting his choices, but he knew better. He knows Zayn is just feeling lonely, feeling astray because his old life is here, right at his hands, and it still holds something that Zayn would like to have, but at the same time new, exciting things are pulling him towards his new life.

Liam just knows.

”I’m sure the void will be filled in time,” it physically pains Liam to say so, because he’s a selfish person. 

He wants to tell Zayn that nothing’s been lost yet, that he could have that essential part back by just saying the word: Liam would be there in a heartbeat. But Zayn doesn’t _need_ him to be happy and that puts them in a different position.

Liam really, really needs Zayn in his life to be utterly, blissfully happy, but he can’t pull Zayn back down that rabbit hole they once went just before they broke up. Just before it got too messy for both of them. Nearly nothing had changed since then.

”You know I’m trying to fill it, obviously,” Zayn says bitterly, finally taking a look at Liam, Liam who’s just smiling sadly at him, ”She’s not it, though. She’s great promo, but not _it_.”  
Zayn goes on to explain how he feels cheap, like a hypocrite, because he had fought for four years to not have to be with Perrie for promo, because it was inhumane, but it had been a lost cause. And now he was using Gigi for the same reason.

”It’s hard to spring back to publicity without a scandal of sorts, it seems. I never really understood the whole business, I guess.”

”But if Gigi wants it too, it’s not all that horrible. You’ve had to do stuff way worse,” Liam tries to console, but Zayn doesn’t seem all that convinced.

”Yeah well, she’s there for promo, but nothing else. She’s cool, I guess, but not-” Zayn’s eyes widen just a tad before he regains his composure, ”but, just not enough.” 

Liam wants to ask for Zayn to spend the night, so that they can cuddle and watch some artsy movies Zayn loves so much, but he can’t do that. It would be inappropriate, on so many levels.

”Stay. Like, for the night. We’ll watch movies and eat junk food. You could use a little something like that.”

Well. It _is_ inappropriate.

Zayn seems a little taken a back, but slowly he nods. He looks so small, a little miserable too, and Liam really just wants to lull him to sleep, caress his cheek and tell him how damn beautiful and capable he is. How he shouldn’t doubt his abilities, just because it gets tough at times.

”Cool,” he coughs instead, ”I’ll order some pepperoni pizza and you go choose the movie.” 

Liam picks up their tea mugs as Zayn hops off the chair. As he’s putting them in the washing machine, he can hear Zayn urging Watson to play with him, Watson begging for hugs and kisses. It makes Liam smile and his heart clench.

He makes an order for two pepperoni pizzas on his phone before stepping in to the living room, where Zayn has sat on the couch, going through the action movies on Netflix.

”You haven’t changed the password,” Zayn points out, giving Liam a small smile, a knowing smile. 

”Well, I’m bad at remembering passwords. Thought I’d forget the new one anyways,” Liam shrugs, flopping down next to Zayn, beckoning for Watson to come over. 

The Dane basically crawls at their feet, his tail wiggling and hitting on Zayn’s calf every now and then. 

”Watson seems happy,” Zayn scratches the dog’s belly and gives him a fond once over. 

”He is. I think he likes having you here. You give out this vibe of coolness and Watson has always tried to impress you,” Liam grins, giving a pat to Watson’s head.

”Yeah, he wouldn’t know better, would he,” Zayn sighs playfully, ”So, what do you wanna watch?” 

”Doesn’t matter, really. Just something with a plot, please.” 

Zayn’s mouth falls open and he swats at Liam’s arm.

”Are you saying the movies I pick don’t have a plot?” He sounds scandalized.

”Not necessarily, just,” Liam can feel his lips twitching upwards, ”they’re a little all over the place, you know. They’re artistic.”

Zayn gapes at him, shaking his head. ”Shame on you, Liam Payne. They are the. Best. Movies. Ever. After Marvel, of course.” 

Liam laughs, the sound loud and a little out of place, but real. Zayn smiles at him too, and then points at the screen, keeping his eyes on Liam.

”I picked Iron Man 2. Can’t handle any mushy shit right now, so,” the raven haired one shrugs, pressing play.

Liam doesn’t argue. He wouldn’t argue even if he’d hate the movie, because Zayn could have anything he’d want from Liam. 

They both settle down, pressing against the couch, getting comfortable. Watson lies down on the carpet, chewing at a bone. 

For about ten minutes Liam is able to put his focus on the movie, Robert Downey Jr.’s witty character making him smile, but soon enough his attention starts flitting to Zayn’s frame at the other end of the couch. 

Zayn looks so small, Liam thinks. The other has always been this petite: his wrists delicate and his cheek bones visible like that. The hardest moments for Liam had always been during interviews when he wasn’t able to touch or hug Zayn, if he caught even a glimpse of sadness in Zayn’s eyes. To stay away from Zayn was always hard, but it was nearly impossible when he looked small and vulnerable. 

Kind of like now.

Sitting in the corner of Liam’s big, comfy couch. He’s wrapped in himself, his shoulders slouching a little, his hands hidden between his bent knees. Zayn looks like he’s made of glass, and Liam knows he’s not, but it’s still hard to resist the urge to pull the older closer, between his arms. 

All Liam really wants is to protect Zayn from all the evil, maybe have Zayn hold him together too, but that’s selfish of him. Because Zayn’s only staying for the night, only to get some distance and clear his head. That’s all Liam can afford to ask for. 

”You’re missing the movie,” Zayn chuckles after a while, his eyes still on the screen. 

Liam flinches a little, heat rising to his cheeks. 

”Oh, yeah. Uh, I already know the plot, so,” he coughs, ripping his guilty eyes away from Zayn and focusing on the movie again. Or trying to do so.

Zayn’s eyes flit to him, Liam can see from his peripheral vision. He turns his gaze too, only for Zayn to stare at his own hands. It’s quiet for a beat.

”I’m glad you asked for me to stay tonight,” Zayn says quietly, fidgeting with his hands, ”I would have had to stay at a hotel and I hate those places.” 

”I know you do,” Liam nods, ”and I wanted you to stay, to give you the opportunity to maybe clear your head a little.” 

Zayn chuckles and shakes his head.

”Well that’s not happening, but thanks.”

Liam frowns at that, involuntarily. It doesn’t make him a weak man admitting Zayn still holds a special place in his heart. He’s not sure how the rest of the lads would take it, though, if they knew. Either way, Liam wishes he could do something to make the others maybe hear Zayn out. 

It’s hard for Liam. Knowing that the others can’t see past Zayn’s mistakes, but also knowing that Zayn would never be happy with just Liam’s forgiveness. It pains him in the worst possible way. 

”Do you want to talk about it?” Liam asks after a while, lowering the volume on the TV.

Zayn pulls his knees closer to his chest and rests his head on the couch. His eyes shine a little under Liam’s floor lamp, and Liam wants to hold him even more than he did just a minute ago. He doesn’t, though. 

”It’s hard out there, Li,” Zayn starts, blinking slowly, looking up to the ceiling, ”Starting over with nothing else than meself. I’ve been gone for so fucking long and you lads have moved forward in your lives. I feel like I’ve reached nothing.” 

Zayn’s eyes are tracing the small cracks on Liam’s ceiling, something he’s done countless of times before. Once when he was dreaming about a better future, Liam remembers. He’d been so full of hope back then, he’d offered a beacon of light in Liam’s dark thoughts that day. It had been the day Liam had decided he’d do anything in his power to help Zayn make it through whatever would be thrown his way.

Liam feels helpless, needless to say.

”You’ve reached a lot, Zayn,” Liam says, putting all of those feelings he’s _allowed to_ into his words, trying to convey them to his friend, ”You moved away from your friends and family, on your own. You released an album and it’s doing great. You’ve done really well.” 

Liam can see Zayn swallowing what might be tears, before the dark haired man turns to look at him. He looks sad and beaten down, which Liam can’t completely understand, but he feels for Zayn either way. 

”I know I’ve done all that,” Zayn averts his gaze, opening his mouth as if to speak, but he doesn’t seem to find the words for a bit. Liam nods at him, urging him to go on. 

”I planned it all this far, y’know. That’s the thought that kept me going. Write the songs on paper, pick your favourite ones. Release an album. I can do this, ’s what I thought until I released Mind of Mine,” Zayn explains, his voice a lot more quiet now, ”But what comes after? I never gave a single thought to that. I was too afraid. Still am.” 

Zayn doesn’t look at Liam, he doesn’t look at anything. Liam recognizes the empty look in his eyes and finally he’s heard enough to drag himself closer, and place his hand on Zayn’s shoulder. Zayn’s eyelashes flutter and his mouth opens to let out a desperate gasp, as if he’d been underwater and has just gotten his first gulp of air. 

”Can I?” Liam whispers, his own voice cracking just enough to be heard. 

Zayn barely nods when Liam’s already pulling him gently against his chest. The smaller man fits around Liam the same way he had fit months and months back, and even though it hurts on some level to feel Zayn wrap his arms around Liam’s waist, he doesn’t let it show. 

Zayn’s not a loud crier, but his body reacts to tears. His shoulders shake and his lips tremble, something Zayn has always hated, Liam knows. It’s always been hard for Liam too, to feel Zayn’s body slowly go rigid and that’s why he’d developed a method to calm the other down, very early on. 

It’s a bit awkward trying to lift Zayn up a little, but Liam manages, so that the other’s face is hidden in the crook of Liam’s neck. The hot, wet tears coat Liam’s skin and Liam feels like crying, too. He rubs at Zayn’s back and kisses his cheek, before starting up with the same words he’s whispered to his Zayn, his lover at the time, so many times. 

”You’ll do great things in the future. Don’t be afraid of it, yeah? Whatever mistakes you might have made in the past can’t hold you back if don’t let them. The choices you’ve made or the words you’ve said, don’t let ’em weigh you down, love. You can beat that monster inside you, babe.” 

It’s not rehearsed, even though Liam does remember it quite well. Those are words straight from his heart and also the magic key to Zayn’s self-doubting. For years Liam was there to console Zayn when the man had felt like he was good for nothing. Eventually Liam had come to understood most of the things Zayn battles with every day, and also happened to find the exact words the man needed to hear.

”I can,” Zayn says with a shudder, ”but I don’t want to, Liam. I’m so tired and f-fucking lonely.” 

Liam pulls Zayn impossibly close, peppering his hair with small kisses. He wants to say stupid things, things he’s got no right to say anymore, but he’s learned not to blurt out just whatever he feels like saying. Liam keeps rubbing Zayn’s back, giving the man the time to calm himself. Partly because he doesn’t know what to say, partly because this is what he wants to be doing. 

”Liam,” Zayn breathes out, lifting himself up, his left hand taking support from Liam’s chest.

”Hm?” Liam hold onto Zayn’s wrist, wanting to keep the contact reciprocal. 

Zayn has something in his eyes, maybe uncertainty, but Liam’s not completely sure. The older man avoids looking straight into Liam’s eyes, but at the same time Liam feels like he’s trying to do just that. 

Zayn lets out a humorless laugh, ”This isn’t how I imagined my night would be,” he wipes his eyes, keeping his other hand still on Liam’s chest.

”I haven’t been able to do any shows because I’m a coward,” the man says, and Liam’s ready to argue, but he doesn’t get the chance, ”Don’t say a thing. I just mean that I have been afraid. And I still am. But it’s not all there is to it. I know myself pretty well, but there’s one more person who knows me as well as I do.” 

Now Zayn lifts his gaze to meet with Liam’s, and there’s no sign of hesitation. Liam’s not stupid, he knows what Zayn’s saying. It makes his insides shake with fear and anticipation, and Liam does not remember when was the last time he’d felt this alive. He wants to scream ’yes’ to anything Zayn’s about to ask or say, but he can’t even open his mouth. 

Zayn can read him, Liam knows. His lips twitch a little, which tells Liam he’s nervous. 

”Bloody hell, this is starting to sound like a fucking proposal, innit,” Zayn chuckles as his fingers curl around Liam’s shirt, ”It’s not though, don’t look so horrified.”

Liam attempts to laugh, but it’s short and filled with nervous energy. He feels like a child waiting to get on a roller coaster for the first time in his life. It’s ridiculous and stupid, so extremely stupid.

”I want to ask you if maybe, like,” Zayn is struggling to keep his eyes on Liam, ”If I stayed here, in London, for a while. Would you be there for me? Like as a friend and stuff. I know I have no right to ask this but being here tonight, I’ve felt like I can breath again and I feel like you have that kind of an effect on me.”

Liam doesn’t know whether to cry or laugh. Zayn in London? Laugh. Friends? Cry. 

Zayn’s eyes are glistening with hope and dreams and that is the Zayn Liam’s been missing all this time. That is the Zayn Liam’s been looking for all night tonight and here he is; in front of Liam, asking for him to help him up and clean his clothes. 

It feels excruciating, being put in front of a choice like this, the universe laughing at him. It feels like a betrayal, but at the same time like an open door Liam’s been waiting to see in the horizon for far too long. It’s Zayn, for god’s sake.

”Yeah. I mean- yeah,” he nods, pulling Zayn in for a hug, afraid that his expression will show emotions he's not ready for Zayn to see. Liam's well aware of his bad lying skills.

Zayn clings to him and Liam’s happy to be able to provide hope or support for the older. He’s happy to be able to be here, in this moment too. Not everyone in his place would, he knows as much. But either way, Liam can’t help feeling a tad disappointed, a lot stupid too, for letting himself get ahead of things. He tends to do that, especially when it comes to Zayn.

Zayn pulls away and if Liam was feeling something like needles in his heart, it’s gone now, because Zayn is smiling and his teeth are showing. Liam takes a deep breath before getting up from the couch. 

”I’ll get you a blanket and a proper pillow. You must be tired after all this emotionality,” Liam offers and Zayn nods, his smile now a more subtle one. 

As Liam climbs up the stairs to his closet, he has to stop and take a breather. He can do this, he can support Zayn and be there for him, regardless of all the unresolved, lingering feelings he still has. Zayn’s been alone for a long time now and Liam can definitely help him overcome the feeling of loneliness. 

He picks a guest blanket and a pillow and mans up, as they say.

Zayn’s standing near the window, looking down at London’s bright night lights. He looks thin and gorgeous and Liam would gladly spend the whole night looking at him like this. He drops the items from his hands on the couch and joins Zayn. 

”Hasn’t changed a bit. The view,” Zayn says, his voice calm and collected once again.

”A lot is still the same around here,” Liam murmurs, his hands in his pockets.

He can feel Zayn looking at him, before the older places his hand on Liam’s arm. Liam meets his gaze and realises they are closer than he’d initially thought. 

”You have changed,” Zayn whispers, taking half a step closer, ”your feelings haven’t, though, have they?” 

Liam’s way past the point of lying, especially when it comes to Zayn. It’s not worth it, so he shakes his head in response. Zayn doesn’t even flinch.

”I’m afraid of hurting you,” the raven haired man licks his lips, ”I’ve done it once and there’s not many things in this life I regret as much as I regret that.” 

Liam pulls his hands out of his pockets and places them on Zayn’s hip, the need to feel Zayn’s warmth too strong. They are mere inches away from each other, but Liam feels like it could be miles at this point. He wants to feel Zayn the way he used to.

”Would you do it again?” Liam asks in a hushed voice.

”No,” the answer is immediate, ”but I’m still scared.” 

”I’m not,” Liam says haistily, pulling Zayn in for good, crashing their lips together. 

Liam’s arms tighten around his ex-lover’s waist by default, finding their rightful place like it’d been only a day since they last embraced the man. Zayn’s hands are holding onto Liam’s biceps, and Liam can feel the man shudder underneath his lips. 

Their lips move in sync, remembering each and every move that follows the other and settling on a steady, comforting pace. It feels like coming home after hearing bad news all day, and then being able to collapse in the comfort of your own bed. It feels like the warmth you get from spring sun and all that poetic stuff you’ve heard in songs and read from books. 

All of the stupid worries Liam’s had over the time he’s been away from Zayn, they float away – be it just for a moment, they do. Zayn feels small and needy in his arms, yet so, so familiar. Liam thinks he might be dreaming, but then Zayn’s travelling his hands up Liam’s arms and circling them around his neck, until he drowns his hands in Liam’s hair and it can’t be a dream. 

The goosebumps are real, Zayn is real.

When they finally pull apart, there’s only inches between them and they’re both breathing heavily. The moment is something Liam’s been dreaming about since the moment Zayn left him and now that it’s here, he feels like something’s been taken away, but something else has been brought to replace that near-void in him. 

”I change my statement,” Zayn says with a breathy voice, ”you have absolutely gotten better at kissing. Who bloody taught you?” 

Liam laughs, letting his forehead drop against Zayn’s shoulder. _Home._

”Learned it by meself, to be honest,” Liam jokes, kisses Zayn’s shoulder quickly, ”You’re not half bad yourself.” 

They stand together for a long moment, listening to each other’s breathing evening out and both probably wishing the problems awaiting them outside Liam’s door would vanish, but at the same time having hope in tomorrow. Having hope in a new day.

”I’m _not_ sleeping on the couch,” Zayn informs, pulling away from Liam.” 

Liam raises his eyebrows, but Zayn easily challenges him with a brow-lift of his own, basically kicking Liam’s ass 0-100. 

”Alright, suit yourself,” Liam puts his hands up, ”I snore.” 

”I know. I’ve learned to kick you in the right places to shut you up.”

”I kick in my sleep.” 

”Familiar with that. Doesn’t bother me. I’ve always fancied a fight in the little hours of the morning.”

”Picked up a habit of sleep talking too.” 

Zayn steps closer once more and smiles up at him, ”I’ll just kiss you quiet.” 

And so he does. 

Liam’s not completely okay with everything, but at the same time he’s very much okay with everything. He knows Zayn's a whirlwind that has the bad habit of changing its course more often than not, but isn't that what Liam first fell in love with in the man? Life tends to throw lemons at you, and well, Liam’s never received those. He only gets ex-boyfriends that want to turn his life upside down, and even though some would consider that a nuisanse, Liam quite likes his life. So, sue him.


End file.
